NOW..back to personal life!

  I’ve been playin around outside again, like a fruit cake, on the poles at the park, and other lil amusements the park has to offer, when eyes are turned of course, whelp as often as possible, BUT damn I did get caught by a mom and her kids who just snuck up on us this last tme, before hubby could send me the warning call, talk about embarrassed…lol, I’ll share a couple vids of that outdoor excursion, in a couple days, in my next post.

  
    WHY oh why, can’t I ever find a super cool person, who also does crazy stuff like hangin on poles, and jumpin around like a child? AM I the only cool mom left on the planet? Is it true that at a certain moment in time, everyone is forced to grow up, but my alarm never went off on that 1? lol. idk!! I mean I can be serious when need be, but hey, life is soo stinkin short, and only goes faster as it goes along, so I don’t forsee myself ever changing, it’s all over before we know it, so if you are reading this, either guy or girl, makes no matter, start getting in touch with your ‘crazy side’ and lemme see you all at the park acting goofy, and crazy, cause I gotto say, I don’t see ANYONE, NOT ANYONE like me out there, and it sucks!  People sitting on park benches like stones, soo not me, ok maybe I don’t pole around kids, knowingly naturally that’s a normal thing even a crazy girl respects that, to me tht just would not be cool, I’m always watching out on that 1, making sure I’m alone, but why don’t these moms jump around with their kids? why don’t they fly down the slides, and jump across the bridges?  I sware kids as young as 2 to 10 at least, treat me as one of their own, I can be totally on their level, and along with my own children in the pack, I lead the way a lot of times, and that’s FUN to me. I often wonder if I could look inside people’s heads and get a glimpse of what they are thinking when I’m playin  like I’m a child as well, but screw ‘em, I figure I’ll never see them again, and I spent my entire life wondering and worrying about what other people thought of me, to the point of obsession, it’s nice to finally (mostly anyhow), not care anymore. (To a certain point, naturally:)

   so, how are you all doing?  How was your Valentine’s day? Well I hope. Went out to a really nice restaurant, which was nice. Hubby was not in the last thrilled about the dress I wore (picture of it below) lol. ok, now tell me this guys, WHY, do you men, LOVE your gals dressing up sexy when your dating, and then years after, and your married and all, the same things you used to love, you wanna burn? lol. I mean seriously, I bought this dress, granted it’s short, I’m not 50 yrs old, I’m still young, and I wouldn’t think badly if I saw a 50 yr old lookin sexy and feelin good, if she was confident and happy, good for her, why judge?  anyhow, it’s a dress I recently bought, and he just saw it and was like ‘I don’t like it’…bought it anyhow, cause it was red, and close to V-day and the price was beyond right, and I didn’t let him get me down. When your dating it’s like less is more, like VA-VA-VA-VOOM, like you wanna show the person off, brag to friends, GET attention, and once a man is married and settled, or so it seems anyhow, at least here, and with a lot of other people I know, cases, they wanna blend in, don’t want you drawing any attention from others, and instead the attitude goes from, YEAH WEAR THAT HOT LIL NUMBER’, to….’Where are the pants that go with that shirt? Are you really gonna wear that? I mean you look nice, but…’  Now is it any wonder how self esteem plummets a lot at this point? MEN PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME, FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ABOUT THIS MATTER, HEHE!! (SERIOUSLY, it boggles my brain!)

  ANYHOW,  Family is very quiet (outside the immediate) over here, so nothin to report there, but that was very usual before my mother’s test, anyhow. Guess I’ll just assume the best, and go on…I hate when people throw you into the loop, then toss you out of it. I’ve gotten pretty used to that in my life, so I’ll just chalk it up to yet another instance.

  Had a fun 5 hr. haul on president’s day, with the kids, at chuckeecheese..yes you read right, 5 hrs, closer to 6 actually, but I met one of those moms, who ACTUALLY was a pleasure to talk to, and actually had a child who was in a similar age as my lil one, who sadly is in need of lil friends, but when she finds 1, she never sees them again, so it’s really hard on her, and very hard on me, so all things were right, she was a ‘normal’ person, not some snotty soccer mom, not one of those grandparents caring for the child, cause the daughter (real mom), is in the looney bin, and YES that was a recent scenario, no jokes there, and not a mom that was 19 yrs old, looking to party, every night of the week. Can’t be a mom and do that, sorry, so those never work out, and I’m soo not the soccer mom type, I mean I watch games, and I’m into everything my kids do, but I don’t have the lil clique’s that sip tea and talk like the desperate housewives, about outsiders, or people who might wear their sweater a bit too tight, or their skirt a tad too short, I don’t like people who judge others, and I’m not like that, so I just don’t fit in with those crowds.

      I like to be able to be me, use my sense of humor openly, and feel natural, not phoney around someone, and finally have them have a child or children, the right age for mine, and low and behold, that finally happened. Sadly, yet ironically, she lost her husband a couple years back to small heart attacks leading up to a massive stroke, that he ignored, won’t mention any names, but you’d THINK the story would maybe, open a certain someone in my own life’s eyes, especially when the person was the same age, and so many similar things going on, it was like takin a glimpse into my own future, if he doesn’t straighten up, and I KNOW you come on here honey, so if you read this, get your freakin A&& to the Dr. already, lol. We love and need you damn it!

   But back to the story. She has a daughter, 1 yr older then mine which is perfect, cause children my daughter’s own age, just don’t catch her interest, she likes them between 1 and even up to several years older. Being three believe it or not, I’ve witnessed her, grabbing hands of 8 yr olds, and pulling them to play, and HER remaining the leader, having them lag behind, and actually connect with her, which is impossibly hard to believe, but believe it, cause I witness it. oh yes, certainly is going to be a handful. 14 by 6 yrs old, oh yeah, I’m just really looking forward to that. I’m certain at this point, Boys are WAY easier! She can work a PC better then me, and changes wallpaper on hubby’s iphone, knows every function on the thing, plays games on it, even has downloaded new ones, BY HERSELF, if they seem interesting. Oh yeah, we’re in deep trouble!

   But back to the story, the mom and child were so nice, (granted I wish i could find all this, and a person who owns a pole as well, included in the mix, but I guess that’s pushin my luck, I can’t imagine finding that round here, but I f I do, I got a new best friend!).  Anyhow, with the two girls, the ironic part, was that they looked soo eerily similar it was ASTOUNDING!  Actually that’s how I first met the mom, hubby said look at that child, and I kept goin in for a closer look, cause I’m like 1/2 blind here, lol, and I was like ‘WOW’ and then bumped into the mom who was amazed as well.  Hair length, cut, and color, bone structure, shape and size of the eyes, almost the same color,  body type, even speech, and mannerisms, were spot on, it was like watching the parent trap or something. lol. The mom was a regular person, had a sense of humor, appreciated my own, which was soo nice, I didn’t have to not be myself, because quite frankly, I refuse to be, and we chatted for HOURS, and snapped photos of the girls together, as poor hubby sat collecting dust at a nearby table, on the busiest day chuckeecheese has ever seen, I sware.  I didn’t think we’d be there but an hour, when we walked in, you could hardly move, that was, until I met this woman and her daughter, and mine just connected and were off and running. Tokens, when mine ran short, in this wonderfully giving woman’s pocketbook, just were ENDLESS & overflowing. Finally someone with a giving sweet spirit, much like myself, someone down to earth, and real!  I was soo happy!

     I was even happier seeing the kids connect, finding out they don’t live in bang cock or somethin crazy like that lol, and maybe she can have a play date for once, and see the same child twice! I’ve felt so sorry for her, cause she tries so hard, gets really connected, then out of touch. This time I have a # and everything, and I can’t wait to get these two together again, it’s ADORABLE! I know this story is pretty boring, he he, non pole dance related at all, but just catchin up on life here, and rambling on about my ‘exciting week’, hehe.  I know half of you are snoring by now, I apologize for that.

     Anyway, for those who are reading this, and not yet chatting on the message board (FORUM) listed on the above ‘category’ menu, check it out, and join in!!! Friday’s I have the most chat time, and I’m spending a lot of time working on my vast collection of tutorials, it’s a lot of time, and work, so It’s been harder then usual for me, to chat a lot, but more time is headed my way, as things slow down, and so, expect that, so register and introduce yourself, start topics…girls and guys both are welcome, just no spam and porn, etc, if UKWIM, lol. Keep it nice, keep it friendly!

  Whelp I’ll be back with a couple outdoor ‘winter’ park vids shortly. Thanks for reading, and happy poling!

PS- Here is the dress above..i couldn’t get it to the right size down in here…I truly believe it’s the person inside of the garment, that makes it eigther trashy or ’sexy’.  To me, I’m NEVER the 1st, even when I don’t always feel the 2nd, lol. BUT DEFINATELY it’s the person and how they carry themselves, etc. etc. etc, not the garment itself! I’m classy:)

        Today I write this blog post, with a heavy heart.  Nothing pole fitness related today, just a tribute to a lil girl who lost her life, so disgustingly, so inconceivable, Caylee marie Anthony.  An angel on earth, now an angel in heaven.  I don’t watch much news, the stories, get me so deep, as I’m a very sensitive person, and I get too swept up in emotions, cause some of the things going on, everyday, all around me, are so atrocious I believe for my own sanity sake, I’m often better off left in the dark, cause I’m helpless anyhow, and I’ve already had my share of pain in this world, and my own losses’, so I don’t try to ever add to it, however this little girl, somehow crossed my path, news wise, I got into her story,  she touched my heart from the very get go, and I couldn’t stop myself from following this story.  I spend my mornings, editing tons of tutorials, getting things ready for my site, and also never missing a beat of news over on you tube, about this precious child.

      NO child deserves to die. NO child deserves to hurt. To die in this way, is unspeakable, but knowing she’s up in heaven with God, and my own angels, I , and I hope her family to, take heart in the fact that she’s not in any pain, she’s happy, and healthy, and thriving.  We might not know much about her life here on earth, certainly wasn’t born to the right person, but noone gets that choice, why God allows these things, is one question,  I’ll have to ask him myself when I reach the gates one day, but knowing I’ll reunite with my lost loved ones, gives me strength to make it through everyday, so I hope the others who also care for this child, can look at it and find some acceptance and peace in that knowledge.  In  SOME way, it almost feels like she was one of my own, I’ve been so emerged in the case, I wish she HAD been mine, (thousands do), because she would have had a great life, but this was not meant to be. WHY? another question only God can answer. We don’t get to choose our parents…she commited no sins!

     I truly believe every life has a purpose, no matter how short.  No child is ever born in vain, there is always a reason. they touch people’s hearts, they change lives, in ways, you sometimes can’t always see, until hindsight kicks in. Time makes everything much clearer.  They help you build strength and courage you never knew existed, and your time with them, no matter how short, is irreplaceable.  The memories couldn’t be sold by me, for all of the money in the world.  The feeling of loss, the hurt, does that ever go away?   NO, but if you believe in the afterlife, and I surely do, I know I’ll reunite one day, and I no longer fear death like I used to, because I know this to be true, and it will be the sweetest day I’ve ever known.  Do I have questions for God? yes many. BUT if I could go back and change the choices I made in loving , and caring, and fighting, hoping, yet failing, somehow someway, I still can’t see I would have done anything different, but maybe grieved and found some acceptance sooner, rather then the denial that ate at me for soo very long. That just KILLS YOU!

     BUT this is about Caylee, sorry to get off track here, but she has helped ME so much in my own grieving process. Her life also helped a stranger, she never even got to know, (myself), and I’m so thankful to her for that.   I’m one who can bury things until I burst and it’s not good, this case, has struck soo many cords, and I embrace Caylee and her precious life, because it has helped me, find a bit of closure in my own situations. I’m sure I’m one of MANY strangers, who never met her, also following the stories, whom have stories of their own, and feel the exact same way.  My heart goes out to anyone who’s been through the imaginable, losing a child, and to lose one to murder, just UNFATHOMABLE.

        I believe in justice..eventual justice for everyone whom does wrong in this world. Sometimes it MIGHT not happen in this life, but in the next, but what goes around will come around, one way or another, and Caylee will get that justice, and thankfully for her, I DO believe she won’t have to wait very long for it.  IT will happen for her. If you ever want to watch this story, Nancy grace airs every night on CNN, but I prefer watching it on the channel (you tube) of torbenmiller2.   A truly wonderful human being, with such a kind soul, that he uses a large chunk of his time, to serve the public (us) and provide us, with every bit of news, as it comes in, on this ever-evolving case, and to him I thank you. Click on his name if you are interested in viewing his channel, and learning more about Caylee Marie. Also The Nancy Grace link,  if you would like more info, listed on their site about the case, including blogs, and show times, etc.

 Today I light candles for you sweet angel.  You’ll never be forgotten, and always will be loved, by people you never met, myself included, who feel as though they knew you well.   REST IN PEACE! 

     Sorry, it really helps my soul to release my pain over this case, and over my own sorrows and tragedies.  No matter what you’ve been through in life, my biggest advice is, never submerge it, deal with it, take it on, no matter how incredibly painful, cry as much as you need, talk to someone, you can’t bottle things up inside, and not just when you lose a child, but even losing a spouse, or a friend, or even losing a job now a days, is incredibly painful and hard, WHATEVER it is, don’t be afraid to cry, to think, to grieve, and to remember. You heal so much quicker, when you don’t hide from your emotions. You can keep  running away from them for so long,  but in the end, that eventually will cause you to burst, and it won’t be pretty, so, just CRY, let it all out, and if ANYONE ever needs a shoulder, I’ve been through most anything, but even things I don’t have experience with, I’m always an empathetic, PRIVATE ear, and a shoulder, to whomever may need one.

     Goodbye sweet Caylee Marie Anthony!  Your life will never be forgotten, and your spirit lives on, and always will!!   8/9/05- 6/16/08  (that’s the date they believe & we believe (from the board), she was taken into heaven’s arms.  God bless you! Justice will prevail!

     Now with a heavy heart, I continue now to edit my videos, and get the tutorials going, making them as GOOD as possible, and as thorough, and I’m really workin hard, thankfully I enjoy it:)  (Not saying when I’m fully done, I won’t be relieved, lol, but will always be adding along the way), but I’ve gotten pretty far, so I must keep it up.  I’ll have more time to chit chat and post more youtube vids, when things are mostly done. HOPEFULLY soon!

    I’ll be back on a happier note another day, I just wanted to share, what was on my mind today, and remember the little girl with the most beautiful smile, aside from my own children, (but any mom would say that naturally),  that I’ve ever seen. YOUR FREE NOW SWEETHEART!  Rest in peace.

  Then she strangely tells me I should get more minutes on my cell phone, we actually recently cut back on our phone plan, because the minutes were going unused, and now I’m going over my minutes, because she’s suddenly felt the need to be ‘chatty’ lately, not about her health, just about life and everything else, what’s odd? Ummm we normally talk 1 x a week if that, and it’s quick, cause it’s painful sort of kid of, lol.  We never had that mother daughter ‘talk’ relationship, not AT ALL, so very bizarre to me, how she can suddenly start callin a lot, and also asking me to get my minutes bumped up so we can talk longer.  I have a house phone, but by the time she calls at night that is off, I got the cell under the pillow.

   Now…what do you think? Also again I must say we’ve never had a close relationship in which we confided  in one another, so it is possible for her to be leavin me out of the loop, maybe even sorry she told me about the test, and she knows something IS bad, and wrong with her, and she is now worried, and feeling talkative?  I know people can get that way… I don’t know, how does 1 prove that, if they don’t admit to it?

   Ok enough brain burn for one morning, lol. how’s everybody doin? Almost valentine’s day, I have a love/hate relationship with this holiday, don’t ask me why, or  we could be here all day, all month, but at least I get to dress up, which I love to do, for youtube and beyond, he he, always something i enjoy. Still on my nocturnal kick w/ pole dancing. I wanna start gettin up super early again, I feel like I’m missing out on something, the 5 am workouts, ahhh, who else but me could miss that right?  Pole dancing must be awesome, if you wanna get up that early to study!  I don’t recall wanting to ever get up and ‘practice my algebra’ ..EWWW…perish the thought. Boy how glad am I that THAT segment, of my life is over, and i was right..when have i ever used that crap?  LOL.

    Anyway, on  a pole move note…a new nemesis has been mentally formed, taking over for many nemesis’ before it. dah, da, da, dahhh….the crescent moon. Something I’ve seen, always liked, but gave up on likedy split early on, cause the back just didn’t seem to wanna go there. I can feel I have more flexibility since last I tried, if you even wanna try it an attempt, I gave up sayin ‘impossible’ from the start cause my back just didn’t cooperate, but I have renewed hope that somehow, I can nail this move, even if I have to keep up with back stretches until my eye balls roll out of my head, I will get this sucker, lol. I have to, so I can move on to a new nemesis. getting stuck for good, well, that just isn’t an option. Whelp time to get on with the day, will be back soon, hopefully with somethin a bit more on the interesting side.